World's Greatest Grandma

I know that I seem to have slowed down on the "inspirado" for this blog lately (mostly due to coming up with a plan for a book/ magazine freelance idea that will monopolize most of my free time). While I am quite sure that this hasn't affected anyone's quality of life too much, as a cheap substitute for a well thought-out essay, please enjoy the following excerpt from my daily life:


I was walking to the ATM to make a withdrawal and saw an old homeless woman sitting by the door. This made me think three things;

1. This was a clever, if incredibly annoying, place for her to sit.
2. It is really tough to guess most homeless persons' ages, those faces go through hell, she could have been 25 or 624 for all I knew.
3. I love numbered lists, but that has nothing to do with this story.

I had nothing in my pocket that resembled legal tender, or maybe I would have given her something. In Boston most bartenders know several bums by name and I had seen this one here before. Once she was wearing a "World's Greatest Grandma" T-shirt that almost sent me into a seizure of hilarity. I walked by and she made eye contact, the homeless tractor beam, and I told her I had no money.

"That's OK hun, have a nice night." she said. Dammit! Why couldn't she have cussed me out, or yelled incoherently about Jesus or Jebus or something? I was in the bank lobby for a while, doing a couple of transactions at the ATM, and a young woman came in and used the next machine over. "World's Greatest Grandma" came in, supposedly to get warm (yeah right) and stood in the corner as 120 bucks came out of my machine, fwwpt,fwwpt,fwwpt,fwwpt,fwwpt,fwwpt right in front of her. Now the woman walked by "WGG" and gave her a buck. Dammit.  I walked towards the door, and she was right there.

"Look, I can't give you a twenty, that's just not happening." I said.
"I think I have change!" she responded with no sense of irony, and fished her rheumatic hands into the pockets of her parka. She pulled out a bag of coins, and dug deeper. Her fingernails were an inch long on some fingers and short on others as she placed a two dollar bill on a ledge. "Look, a two dollar bill!" Then came the singles, one at a time, unbelievably wrinkled and soiled. "Three, four.." she went, unbearably slowly, one at a time, until "thirteen!" At this point I realized two things;

1. "World's Greatest Grandma" might make more than I do.
2.  I was getting change from a homeless woman!

"Look, I am running late for work, I don't have time for this. If I see you later I will give you a buck" I said, keeping my twenty of course.
"Wait! I have more bills!" she exclaimed as I hustled out the door and down the street.

I am sure that there is a moral to this story, but I am not sure what it is. I am pretty sure however that this woman was not the "World's Greatest Grandma", or else her parka would have been full of Werther's Original and her dollar bills would have been crisp and new and stuffed into generic birthday cards.

Mustache Jams

Since we here in "The Hall" are planning a calendar for "Mustache May", the time when all of our female friends tell us we look creepy, it got me thinking about the concept of creepiness. More specifically, I am referring to the older man making advances on a much younger woman type of creepy. To be fair, there is an "inner creep" in every man. Seriously, if you do not believe me, find the guy that you think the least skeevy (father, grandpa, that uncle with the cut-off jean shorts... wait, not him) and set up a nubile girl to walk by in something tight/skimpy. Notice his attempts to leer without being noticed. If you were not there he would follow her for a quarter-mile out of his way. I am not only a man myself, but I work at a bar full of fifty-something customers located next to a three story "Abercrombie and Fitch", so I know what I am talking about.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, there is a different level that separates a 'normal guy' from a 'true creep'. Here is a partial list, in ascending order, of creepy hit songs that one hears in supermarkets and drugstores regularly. [To be clear, this is just covering age-gap creepiness, "I'll Be Watching You" will appear in a different post, or maybe in my future book tentatively titled "Taco Tuesday"]

5. Steely Dan, Hey Nineteen; I used to appreciate this song because it is a great little souless, jazz-inflected, 1980's coke jam, with creepy lyrics like "Please take me along when you slide on down..." and "Skate a little lower now!" Things have changed since I am now at the stage in life where Donald Fagen probably was when he wrote this song; just north of thirty, at the bar talking to a girl 'a bit' (ahem) younger than him, who has no clue about the references he is making. Now I don't consider myself a creep per se, but when this song comes on as I am telling a story with "...so the internet had just been invented..." to a twenty-two year old, I kind of do. (Two of you are probably saying to yourself, "Wait! Cousin Dupree is a MUCH creepier Steely Dan song!" You are right, but Star Market does not have that song on rotation.)

4. Michael Jackson, P.Y.T.; This feels like a cheapshot, considering that the allegations were never proven, but tell me your opinions on this classic piece of pop mastery aren't tarnished a bit post-1990ish. I really wanted to leave this off the list, I swear, but I can't... resist... MJ... jokes.

3. Neil Diamond, Sweet Caroline; OK, some of you who know that I am a huge Red Sox fan might think I put this song on here because I feel it cheapens my Fenway Park experience. Truth be told, I enjoy Neil Diamond because I love all things cheesy, and I do a mean "Cracklin' Rosie" at kareoke. No m'am, this song is on here because it was written about a twelve-year old! You see Neil is older now and felt like answering that long-asked query "Who is Caroline?".  Thanks, Neil, could'a kept that one to yourself.

2. Neil Diamond, Girl, You'll Be a Woman, Soon; Yes, the Diamond is on this list twice. I am noticing a pattern here...

1. Benny Mardones, Into the Night; This song opens with "She's just sixteen years old, leave her alone they say..." 'Nuff said. Actually, no, not enough said. Yeah, creep, leave her alone, at least for two years to avoid statutory charges. Certainly DO NOT "...pick [her] up, and take [her] into the night.." because that is called kidnapping and if you take her across state lines you are REALLY screwed. I, uh, saw it on Law and Order SVU, I swear.

I need to go and trim my beard into a stylish mustache for "National Porn Day" which I've been told is Sunday. Remember it is rude to not take candy from strangers, and if a guy in a van tells you he lost his puppy, give him a hand.