Not if You Were the Last Man on Earth

Now what?

Welcome to my new blog! As you know, the Mayans ended up being right about that whole "2012 Doomsday Prophecy" thing all of those kooks were going on about. What a week that was! (and right after my birthday, too) As you also know, you are the last man on Earth. Big responsibility, I know, but you are up to the task. This is a blog to help you (me) along.. I'll be covering such topics as; how to survive, travel, personal grooming, what to do when the apex predators come back for real, literature, and cooking for one.

I would also like to extend warm greeting to the extraterrestrials who will find this world someday. I assume that you will want to know everything that happened on this orb before the.. ahem.. unpleasantness. If you are reading this, I assume you found my gigantic cypher key where I took most of the words in the English language and put a magazine clipping with a descriptive picture next to each one (sorry if I went a little overboard on 'sex'). I hope that my burning houses nearby to create the binary representation of the first seven digits of 'pi' helped lead you to it, because that was really dangerous.  From there you should be able to decode most other Earth languages, because I would hate to see all of our culture and learning and "The Simpsons" lost forever. Don't worry if you can't figure out why some people were famous.. we couldn't either. Also, I hope you enjoyed the statue I build of myself in recognition of this tremedous feat. I also wrote under the names Shakespeare, Dickens, and Beverly Cleary. Enjoy!

Well, back to the lecture at hand. Good news first, the internet is still working. Lucky thing it was invented by the CIA to topple Islamic nations with facebook and is therefore very resiliant. Even as you power this computer with a gas generator (take that, dead hippies!) you can still Youtube 'Drinking out of Cups' at will. That's not all the good news, not by a long shot. You can finally live out your dream of circling the bases at Fenway Park naked, although it's a bit overgrown.. hell, it looks like Angkor Wat.. and it's falling apart. I mean more than it was already. Beer taps are gas powered, and therefore are still working. Whiskey is plentiful! Gasoline is pretty easy to find, although navigating most roads is tricky, what with all the stalled cars and inside-out bodies. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that.. a fog that turned everyone inside-out, that was how it happened. Luckily, you were immune.. unluckily, the people in your red line car at the time weren't (gross).

Valentine's Day is coming up, so be sure to buy that someone special but who cares! You're the last man on Earth; and I don't mean that there are a ton of women and you're the last man on Earth and they're all fighting over you or going lesbian. Sorry, buddy, you're the last person on Earth, but at least you're not inside-out. Luckily you're a man and therefore are no lonelier on that day than on any other. That, however, doesn't mean you don't need companionship, and TV is no longer on the air. Hey, here's an idea! Adopt one of those packs of feral dogs you've seen rooting through the trash and tearing apart small animals. You can name them after glam rockers or something. "There's a good Johnny Thunders.. you want a treat, T-Rex? Bowie, stop humping T-Rex!" You don't need TV when you've got T-Rex! You're a dude, now!

Speaking of TV, remember all of those fantastic vacation homes worth millions that you saw on television? They are all yours! Just find your way South through the overgrown rainforests and deserts to Puerta Vallarta or Cozumel and live the life of caviar and champagne! You always wanted to visit Japan, right? Well, sorry, that's right out. There's no way you have the nautical skills for solo trans-Pacific navigation, or trans-Atlantic for that matter, so unless your new extraterrestrial friends have a spare craft (please?) you're more or less America bound. The greatest former country on Earth! Where you can now actually drive around without a seatbelt, drink in public, walk around pantsless and smoke wherever you want (you would have to start smoking to fully appreciate that benefit).

Remember when you were in college and had to eat ramen noodles everyday? Good news, you get to do that again! Well, there are some other options of course and as long as the supply of Huy Fong Sri Racha holds out they will all taste great! Too bad all of the butter has spoiled, so no mac and chee, unless you learn how to churn (haha it rhymes). Time to use that noodle (haha again!) and come up with some interesting options for making this world a home. Until next time, W.T.S., signing out.

Court Side Seats

You know a Wade Boggs rookie card is NOT a license, right?

I come to the WTS with a confession this time. Despite my decidedly non-criminal lifestyle, I ended up in court last Monday. I know, shocking! Anyway case dismissed, as it was all just a big misunderstanding. I did have to wake up early (before noon!) and sit on an uncomfortable bench in an uncomfortable starched shirt and tie. The upside is I got to listen to the plight of a bunch of total degenerates for an hour and a half, which gave me an idea for a WTS post. So, without further ado..

Three people that made me feel like a goddam responsible citizen, in order of severity, and my analysis.

OK, here we go. The names will not be used, well mostly because I did not care to try and remember them.

Baby Battering Ram. BBR was a young fellow, no older than twenty by my estimation. This is the transcription, to the best of my memory.

Magistrate: So, you kicked down the door to her house?
BBR: Yes, sir.
M: Why?
BBR: Because she had all of my stuff!
M: But you were holding your baby daughter at the time?
BBR: Yeah, I was with the baby's mother earlier, and then she locked me out.
M: So, the mother locked you out with the baby?
BBR: No, my girlfriend did.
M: Where do you live?
BBR: I'm homeless.
M: Okay, mailing address?
BBR: I don't have one.

Expert analysis: It was priceless to see the look on the magistrates' faces during this interchange. I don't know who the worse parent is, though; the homeless guy who kicks down doors with a baby in his arms or the mother who left the baby with the homeless guy who kicks down doors with a baby in his arms.

Neighbor Raper. NR was a stocky fellow, in his forties.

M: So, this man assaulted you. (pointing to a young, goatee sporting fellow of about 21yrs of age, let's call him 'George')
Lawyer for NR: Yes, here are the pictures. (I will cut right down to the synopsis)

Neighbor Raper went over to play cards at his neighbor's house. The neighbor's husband was away (hhmm), and his NR's wife stayed home (double hhmm). After the card game ended, NR made the moves on the neighbor, lets call her 'Nancy'.

M: So, NR made unwanted advances towards you?
Nancy: Yeah, he said he was hungry, and that my [kitty] was on the menu. Then my son George came home as I was pushing NR away with my foot. He had his genitals out in his hand, waving them at me.

Expert Analysis: The case was dismissed, restoring my faith in America. If you come home and someone has his schmenza out and is waving it near your mother you should kick his ass. Methinks, however, that Nancy was keeping something to herself.

Salisbury Dick. SD was in his late thirties, or early forties. He was wearing a velour grey sport coat, wrinkled.. to court.. anyway, he would not move over for me when I tried to sit down on the bench in the back he had completely to himself. He also gave me a nasty look when I (very politely, of course) reacted to that. He had one of those faces, he reminded me of the shittiest boyfriend of every girl I ever knew.

This is how SD got here. A month or two ago, he left some establishment called "King Arthur's" in Everett which I have certainly never been to and will just assume is a medieval reenactment theatre. He then ended up driving down 93 South in Quincy. After hitting a vehicle in the breakdown lane, and side swiping an off-duty police officer, he was eventually pulled over by the State Police. He told them he was going to Salisbury, on the North Shore, apparently by circumnavigating the earth longitudinally.

Expert analysis:
Hey, I'm not one to throw stones here, but this guy is the reason we can't have two beers and drive anymore legally. What a douche. We all make mistakes, but if I can act contritely for what basically amounted to procrastination, perhaps SD could have shown some decency after nearly killing several people.

I would like to say that all of these people got to go ahead of me, as did one blonde tattoed primate who was called to the stand four times, but apparently had better things to do as his lawyer kept stalling for him. Oh, hey, that's a fourth person for my list! Not sure what his deal was, they didn't really say. Pretty interesting Monday, all said and done. Thanks everyone for standing outside with the "Free Wild Turkey" signs, by the way.