Birdland

Hey, have you heard? About the word?

I'm sure that most of you have heard about the birds that have been falling from the sky recently. Those who have read the "Testimony of the Mad Arab Abdul Ahlrazed"  will of  course recognize that this is merely the first sign of my ascension. For the rest of you 'future minions', I figured I would discuss the species that have been plummeting so inauspiciously to the tarmac. (All information courtesy of  -http://www.birds.cornell.edu/ and http://www.allaboutbirds.org/.)

red-winged blackbirds; I really couldn't find any cool facts about this bird. It sucks that they fell and all, but all they do is look pretty and sing and don't bother anyone (snooze).

common grackles; These 'blackbird look-a-likes' are iridescent in color and eat your garbage. Not just your garbage, anyone's really. They also like to eat crops, especially corn. By the way I lied, they really do prefer your garbage.

European starlings; These are regular visitors to downtown Boston. Every fall when it gets cold and at least once one will fly into the outdoor bar and stare at me. I, of course greet it with, "Well hello, Clarise." (Anyone get the Agent Starling reference?) One hundred of these birds were brought to Central Park between 1890 and 1892 by Shakespeare enthusiasts (I can't make this stuff up) and released into America. They now number around 200 million. I figure that was the environmental equivalent of a bunch of Micheal Creighton fans releasing 'velociraptors' into Manhattan.

brown-headed cowbirds; These birds are unable to raise their own young. Seriously, they can't nest, incubate, or raise their chicks. They have evolved to go into the nest of another species where they push an egg out and replace it with one of their own. If the 'host' bird discovers the scam and pushes the cowbird egg out, the cowbird is known to return and destroy all of the host bird's eggs. Yes, these birds are dicks.

Tailspin

Since I've been discussing birds' falling down, perhaps it is time to discuss what makes me fall down. It is quite possible that the name 'cocktail' does in fact come from the remains of a dead bird. One common (if incredibly apocryphal) explanation for the name tells of a Revolutionary War widow who stole a chicken from an English neighbor. After serving the pilfered poultry to her French and American soldier guests, she employed the feathers of the chicken as drink-stirrers. The elated French toasted "Vive Le Cocktail!". Do I believe this story? Not on your life, but I like a good story and this is a pretty good one.

There are a million and one good cocktails, but in the spirit of this thread, here are some cocktails that fall flat before they get a chance.

1. "Can I get a top-shelf Long Island Iced-Tea?"
This order is more common than you might think, meaning once a year in my experience. What this person thinks he (always a he) is saying to the bartender is; "I know I'm thirty-four, but I still party like a twenty-one year-old, except now I'm not afraid to pay extra for the prestige of top-shelf." What the bartender is thinking is; "I can't wait to charge this asshole fifteen bucks for this drink and see how he reacts (with that girl he's trying to impress watching)."


2. "Can I get a blue drink?"
First of all let me say that some of my first libations in a bar were at a Polynesian lounge, and for that reason tropical drinks will always have a special place for me. Now that I got that out of the way; Blue is just a color! It imparts nothing to the drink but a sense of whimsy. So please don't order a drink just because it's blue, you will be disappointed.

3. "Can I get a [vodka brand] and vodka?"
Ok, this is a sign you are about to be cut-off. You want to order a 'brand x' and tonic, but instead you keep saying '[vodka brand] and vodka, repeating it multiple times, getting more indignant each time. The bartender keeps repeating your order to you, hoping that you realize your error, but you probably won't. The variation on this is "Can I have a rum and vodka?". What you want is a rum and diet. Oh, inebriation!

Well, now that everybody has heard about the birds,  I must go and raise a glass to my favorite Bird (#33  of course). Good night and safe flying!