Cougar Woods

Sicker than your average Poppa..

This might sound crazy, but sometimes I don't mind being a little sick, maybe once a year. I look at it as my body's way of telling me to 'slow down, take better care of yourself'. Besides, there aren't many other good excuses to cover oneself with multiple blankets and drink copious amounts of ginger-ale. If I did that for no reason on my days off someone might have me committed. All I need is for WLVI 56 or Channel 38 to come back on the air so I can watch 'Lost in Space' and 'Gilligan's Isle'.

These last two days are a different story. Let's just say I was slipping in and out of consciousness for about twenty four hours, fever, chills, the works. This got me thinking about another time I felt close to the grim reaper, albeit in a much, much closer way. This brings me to (drum roll please)...

WTS Guide to Wilderness Survival

This is a short list of 'rules' based on a disastrous mountain bike ride I took several years back. Much like the SS Minnow, I went out for a three hour tour and ended up stranded. Since, unlike them, I had no coconuts (from which you can apparently build anything), I was screwed. I'll save the whole story for anyone who wants to hear it over a ginger-ale sometime, and cut it down to these basic rules:

1. When being chased on your bike by a mountain lion do not turn your head to see said mountain lion!
Yes they are one of North America's most impressive creatures, rarely seen by humans due to their reclusive nature. Yes, I know, you may think you want to see what is about to eat you. Trust me, it is better if you do not. Remember Halloween and Friday XIII, the fleeing teenager usually dies because she turns around to look at what is chasing her, falls, and cannot get up again.

2. When being chased on your bike, be on a steep downward grade and pedal as fast as you can.
'Wait a minute', you astute readers are probably thinking, 'if you didn't turn around, how do you know it was a mountain lion? You are such a fraud!'. To which i reply, the mountain lion is the apex ambush predator in the southwest, well known for attacking humans (especially runners and cyclists) and dragging them by their necks up a tree like 'The Predator'. But rule number one applies to anything in the mountains aggressive enough to chase a human, so if you want to substitute an elk or bear in my story, go right ahead. As to the downgrade, you better hope someone upstairs likes you, which leads me to...

3. Do not be afraid to petition a deity or two that you may not normally.
No atheists in a foxhole.

4. When you hear a western diamondback rattle near your feet, and you cannot see it, throw your bike in the direction of the rattle while jumping away and yelling 'aaaahhh!'.
I know it is an unorthodox strategy, but it worked for me.

5. When you make you final push towards civilization, think of something you want to see again, like a loved one.
For me it was a quarter-pounder with cheese and a large hi-c. Don't judge me.

That ends this installment of WTS Guide to Wilderness Survival. Just stay out of the woods altogether.