New Feature!
Being that it's winter, and therefore I'm broke, I have rediscovered the cheap entertainment that is Redbox. Everytime I visit my local 'Caja Roja', I tend to rent one movie that looks like it might be good, and another that I know will probably be terrible. Yesterday I rented "Predators" starring Adrian Brody and "The Lost Tribe" starring Lance Henriksen. I know, I said one should be good, but I liked the first Predator movie so much that I'm a sucker and watch all of them. "Get to the Choppah!"
Since I like making rules for survival so much, the new feature is "How to survive a Red Box horror movie!" In "The Lost Tribe", a team of anthropologists discover the 'missing link' on a remote island north of the Antilles. This 'missing link' so offends the Catholic Church that they send a team of mercenaries, led by Lance Henriksen of course, to kill all of the witnesses. Of course the 'missing link' is still alive and kills everyone. So here is how to survive on an island full of 'monkey predators'.
1. Stay away from Lance Henriksen.
This is pretty good advice in general. I know, he has been the hero in a few of these movies, but not lately. In the movies where he wasn't a bad guy, pretty much everyone around him dies, so I might avoid him even in real life.
2. If you think you saw something in a treetop, don't say "It was nothing!"
If it was nothing, you would not be staring at it, would you? It could be a 'missing link predator', staring at you with thermal vision.
3. 'Monkey Predators' are dangerous, so if you see a camp full of guns grab a couple!
If you are stuck on a tropical island and people keep disapearing, and you find a tent full of heavy ordinance, at least grab a pistol!
4. If you are alone, and being pursued through a jungle by something scary, slide down a muddy slope.
This worked for Arnold in "The Predator" and it works for 'random blond actress #1' here. She goes a step further and uses viscous sludge that drips off of a grape-like plant as well. The point is, just because your pursuers are primates, doesn't mean that they don't have thermal vision! Assume everything in the jungle has thermal vision and active camouflage. Besides, being covered in mud makes everyone look more 'bad-ass'.
You be the star!
Just because you aren't in a Redbox horror movie, that doesn't mean you can't make your own movie (and I am not talking about the kind from my last post). Here's how;
Find a station (usually on the low-end of the dial) playing modern piano music. It should ideally be sparse and slightly ominous. Chopsticks Variations 7-9 by Margo Guryan (thanks 88.1!) works very well. Also acceptable is "Don't Let it Bring You Down" by Neil Young. Then drive somewhere in the rain. Tell me you don't feel like you are in a movie and something momentous is about to happen; like you are about to get home and find your wife cheating, or arrive at work only to be laid-off, or you are about to run-over a cat, the owner of which ends up being the love of your life.
Try pulling up to a bar with your windows rolled down blaring "I just want to make love to you" by Foghat or "Do ya think I'm sexy" by The Revolting Cocks and bask in the R-rated confidence. It's like you are about to go and pull the hot woman at the bar who turns out to be a vampire or wanted by a Mexican cartel. Either way it is more interesting than the night you had planned.
There are, of course, many more examples of this car/music phenomenon, so there will me more to come. I guess that makes two new features in one post!
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