 |
| You know a Wade Boggs rookie card is NOT a license, right? |
Three people that made me feel like a goddam responsible citizen, in order of severity, and my analysis.
OK, here we go. The names will not be used, well mostly because I did not care to try and remember them.
Baby Battering Ram. BBR was a young fellow, no older than twenty by my estimation. This is the transcription, to the best of my memory.
Magistrate: So, you kicked down the door to her house?
BBR: Yes, sir.
M: Why?
BBR: Because she had all of my stuff!
M: But you were holding your baby daughter at the time?
BBR: Yeah, I was with the baby's mother earlier, and then she locked me out.
M: So, the mother locked you out with the baby?
BBR: No, my girlfriend did.
M: Where do you live?
BBR: I'm homeless.
M: Okay, mailing address?
BBR: I don't have one.
Expert analysis: It was priceless to see the look on the magistrates' faces during this interchange. I don't know who the worse parent is, though; the homeless guy who kicks down doors with a baby in his arms or the mother who left the baby with the homeless guy who kicks down doors with a baby in his arms.
Neighbor Raper. NR was a stocky fellow, in his forties.
M: So, this man assaulted you. (pointing to a young, goatee sporting fellow of about 21yrs of age, let's call him 'George')
Lawyer for NR: Yes, here are the pictures. (I will cut right down to the synopsis)
Neighbor Raper went over to play cards at his neighbor's house. The neighbor's husband was away (hhmm), and his NR's wife stayed home (double hhmm). After the card game ended, NR made the moves on the neighbor, lets call her 'Nancy'.
M: So, NR made unwanted advances towards you?
Nancy: Yeah, he said he was hungry, and that my [kitty] was on the menu. Then my son George came home as I was pushing NR away with my foot. He had his genitals out in his hand, waving them at me.
Expert Analysis: The case was dismissed, restoring my faith in America. If you come home and someone has his schmenza out and is waving it near your mother you should kick his ass. Methinks, however, that Nancy was keeping something to herself.
Salisbury Dick. SD was in his late thirties, or early forties. He was wearing a velour grey sport coat, wrinkled.. to court.. anyway, he would not move over for me when I tried to sit down on the bench in the back he had completely to himself. He also gave me a nasty look when I (very politely, of course) reacted to that. He had one of those faces, he reminded me of the shittiest boyfriend of every girl I ever knew.
This is how SD got here. A month or two ago, he left some establishment called "King Arthur's" in Everett which I have certainly never been to and will just assume is a medieval reenactment theatre. He then ended up driving down 93 South in Quincy. After hitting a vehicle in the breakdown lane, and side swiping an off-duty police officer, he was eventually pulled over by the State Police. He told them he was going to Salisbury, on the North Shore, apparently by circumnavigating the earth longitudinally.
Expert analysis:
Hey, I'm not one to throw stones here, but this guy is the reason we can't have two beers and drive anymore legally. What a douche. We all make mistakes, but if I can act contritely for what basically amounted to procrastination, perhaps SD could have shown some decency after nearly killing several people.
I would like to say that all of these people got to go ahead of me, as did one blonde tattoed primate who was called to the stand four times, but apparently had better things to do as his lawyer kept stalling for him. Oh, hey, that's a fourth person for my list! Not sure what his deal was, they didn't really say. Pretty interesting Monday, all said and done. Thanks everyone for standing outside with the "Free Wild Turkey" signs, by the way.
