Boston may be one of the safest and most tourist-friendly cities in America, but even the Hub has a few less than savory spots. One of the most glaring is Downtown Crossing, a once bustling area where now a giant orifice which formally was Filene's oozes decay over the entire area. I often recommend to my out-of-town customers not to walk through there at night, which is difficult due to the fact that all the train stations seem to be located around there, especially my train the Red Line. Because of this, I have come up with some ballsy ways to avoid being mugged in Downtown Crossing, in increasing order of insanity.
- Wear a hoodie. Not the fuchsia one you got at Epcot Center with Figment the Dragon on it. A plain black one, with the largest cowl possible. If someone can't see your face, they are less likely to mess with you. Walk with a confident swagger. This is the method I use. If someone comes from the other direction, give him a nod and a quiet but confident "'sup". It helps if you've had a couple of shots of tequila and are over 200lbs.
- Dress in a manner that is completely out of place, for instance a fisherman's yellow slicker, preferably replete with trident and net. It will give you an "I Know What You Did Last Summer" look. I'm pretty sure the entire ensemble can be purchased within the confines of Faneuil Hall. Whatever you do, no lobster or tri-cornered hats or anything else that makes you look like a hapless tourist. We are going for weirdo/oddball here, not chump.
- Pretend you are mentally challenged. It helps if you carry a plastic lunchbox and wear a helmet. If someone comes up to you in a threatening manner, say "Do you want to be my friend? Mom packed me a sandwich this morning. A blueberry sandwich! I like pidgeons."
- Act like you are insane. Yell gibberish. Channel Charlie Sheen channelling Gary Busey. Gesticulate wildly. Talk to Jesus like he owes you money.
- As your potential assailant makes his move, grab your shirt and speak down to your chest loudly. Something like "The fox is in the henhouse! I repeat the fox is in the henhouse! Move in!" This works best if you have a cop mustache (May for my buddies and me). As the guy (hopefully) runs panicking yell "Suspect heading down Washington Street, southbound!" Then run like hell to civilization.
- Turn the tables with creepiness. It helps if you have a sort of John Waters look going on for this method. When you are accosted, say something like "Oh! Mister scaaarrry mugger guy! Did Ramon from the agency send you? I suppose you want to show me how you stick up, huh?" Then unzip your fly or lick your lips or some other creepy gesture. If that doesn't scare him off, you might actually have to go through with your bluff, so don't try this method unless you are down for that sort of action. I won't be using this method any time soon.
- I was going to say packing a weapon and waving it around with abandon was the ballsiest solution, but after re-reading "#6" I am starting to wonder. About a lot of things. Jeez, where do I get this stuff?
There you have it. Seven increasingly ludicrous ways to safely get through Downtown Crossing after dark. On second thought, just grab the Orange Line or Green Line outbound at Haymarket and switch trains when necessary.
