January 24, 2011/Issue 47-10
Boston, MA- On his blog today, local blogger W. T. Urkey posited that he could, if he was challenged to, write an article for The Onion.
"Well, that is just one of the several 'fake news' outlets for which I think I could write something. I can imitate a newspaper. I don't end my sentences with prepositions. I also generally use 'your' and 'you're' (as well as 'there', 'they're', and 'their') properly, which is a dying ability. Sometimes I use 'to' instead of 'too', but only when I am typing to[sic] fast." He is reported to be able to type fifteen words a minute.
There is more to writing 'fake news' than grammar, however. When asked about his sense of humor a coworker, who wanted to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying, "Yeah, I guess he is funny sometimes. If you talk that much you'll hit eventually. I usually tune him out though, most of us do, it's sort of a survival mechanism really."
W.T. Urkey has not applied to any of these organizations to which he referred, but said that a friend told him he could probably do the job. "Well, she said they probably have a staff of professionals, but that if all of them fell to cholera or something, maybe I could get a chance to write about something. It's not like it's that ambitious, I'm not trying to write for The Wall Street Journal or The Metro here. I just try to devote my time to what 'pays the bills'." Sources say he rarely pays bills.
When asked what sort of article he would write, Urkey said, "I don't know, maybe "Server Complains About European Tourists" or "Twenty-One Year-Old Man 'Totally Knows How to Score' After Reading Maxim" something like that. Unless those have already been done. They seem to have covered a lot of ground over the years."
His father had this to say, "Writing for an onion? We have a whole bag of them sitting in the pantry! Why doesn't he write for a new place to live instead?"
W. T. Urkey believes that the nearly 300 page views that his blog has received in the last few weeks shows that he has potential. "I'm really not sure, maybe fifty or sixty," he responded when asked how many of those views were from his own computer, "That's still pretty impressive, right? I mean I've only promoted it on Facebook."
At press time, Urkey has no actual plans to write anything that will help him financially.
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