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| Apparently, "Cocktail" was in need of a Bollywood Makeover |
For this installment of W.T.S., I would like to talk about a serious issue... bar movies. Every man worth his ..um, boys.. has seen "Roadhouse". It is the single best thing you can hope to find on TBS at one AM. This was actually the only bar themed movie I had been familiar with.. until yesterday. Oh, sure, I had HEARD of "Cocktail".. the soundtrack scarred me for life as a child. There might even be a VHS somewhere where my mother and aunts made my brothers and me sing "Kokomo" (what do you want.. I was ten!). Despite that, or perhaps because of it, it took being alone at the family cabin this week for three days to actually watch it. I had burned through my favorites ("Total Recall", "Life of Brian", etc) and was face to face with the dreaded Bottom of the Camp Movie Box: "S.W.A.T."? bah, "Sister Act"? no thanks, "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" sure, if I start ovulating, "Cocktail"? hmmm.. why not?
Now that I have two contenders for "Best Bar Movie That W.T.S. Has Ever Seen", I feel there is only one way to settle this. Rather than go through the synopsis of both movies and save you four hours of your life, I will be using the sports section cliche of a "head to head" match up. I will be using my seven years of full-time bar experience as my qualification, and will be completely objective despite my obvious bias. Actually, I will put my own life in the match up as well. How about that! RH will stand for "Roadhouse", CT for "Cocktail", and WTS for me. Let the games begin..
Back Story
RH: Dalton (Patrick Swayze), a legendary bouncer or "cooler", is persuaded to leave NYC for EBF (look it up) to work at a rowdy.. you guessed it, roadhouse!
CT: Brian Flanagan (Tom Cruise) leaves the military only to find that his quest to become a millionaire is stymied by a lack of education. He reluctantly becomes a drink jockey to get by.
WTS: WTS, a functional alcoholic, becomes a bartender to avoid responsibility and someday perchance write the Great American Novel.
Edge? Me.
Objectively, whose life would you rather watch? If this was all you had to go on, back story; I honestly think I win. Flanagan sounds like many of my chums already, so he comes in last. A legendary bouncer, working at a hick bar? I guess, but I only know a couple of interesting bouncers.
Protagonist Best Bar Attribute
RH: Kicking your ass twelve ways until Sunday.
CT: Flipping bottles and picking up bar skanks.
WTS: Making your damn drink.
Edge; Roadhouse
Dalton wins hands down. I come in second, only because I can pour ten drinks in the time Tom Cruise is flipping bottles like an asshole. He's also picking up your girlfriend. Actually, I might be too. Is she hot?
Douchiest Hobby
RH: Meditating in tights.
CT: Composing poetry
WTS: Composing poetry
Edge? Roadhouse
Dalton wins again! Or loses. Whatever. Tie for second biggest douche.
Buddy
RH: Wade Garrett (Sam Elliot), an even bigger badass, just a little past his prime.
CT: Doug Coughlin (Bryan Brown), a charming rascal, just waiting for his ship to come in.
WTS: Magnus Cockburn, a charming rascal, just waiting for his ship to come in.
Edge? Roadhouse
Sam Elliot. This blog just got more badass for simply mentioning him. Another two way tie for second.
Location
RH: The Double Deuce, where Jeff Healey might have lost his eyesight from the broken glass being thrown while he played. Where one attractive woman can precipitate the Battle of Thermopolis, except with pool cues and jagged bottles. This bar really sucks, actually.
CT: One corny late-Eighties Upper East Side bar after another, Jamaica, and back to New York for "Cocktails and Dreams" (gag)
WTS: A rowdy but not too dangerous bar in an Arizona ski town, and an oyster bar with an outdoor cafe in downtown Boston (come find me, if you dare).
Edge? Cocktail
This was close, but bartending in the eighties in Jamaica and New York? Hard to compete with that. I would rather work for the cantina at Mos Eisley than the Double Deuce.
Love Interest
RH: Dr Elizabeth Clay (Kelly Lynch), a small town doc who patches him up after a fight. Chicks dig bad boys.
CT: Jordan Mooney (Elizabeth Shue), an heiress who likes to draw.
WTS: So ronery..oh so ronery...
Edge? Roadhouse
Dalton found himself a doctor! Handy, when your job is "legendary bouncer whom everybody wants a piece of". If he didn't screw it up, Flanagan would have won hands down. A young Liz Shue whose father owns half of Manhattan..yes, please! A pregnant struggling artist who was disowned by her family and is a horrible server, I'll keep looking. Fun fact: Kelly Lynch played Swayze's love interest in Roadhouse and drew the attention of Tom Cruise's character as Bryan Brown's love interest in Cocktail.
Worst Line
RH: "I used to fuck guys like you back in prison!"
CT: "Cocktails and dreams.. you know that would be a good name for a place!"
WTS: "I'm out of booze. Want to come over for some.. water?"
Edge? Roadhouse
"Cocktails and Dreams" is a horrible name for a bar. It's a name for a template on "Tumblr" at best, not a bar. Still, the line from roadhouse is bad in an awesome way. Dalton gets the points, even though he didn't deliver the line. I get second because she said yes, much to my surprise.
Best Line
RH: "Be nice.. be nice.. until it it's time to NOT be nice."
CT: "It always ends badly. Or else it would never end."
WTS: "Now get back in there and arm-wrestle your dead mother!"
Edge? Cocktail
It wins for general quotability. I'm giving Roadhouse second for the same reason. As for mine, you had to be there. But if I were a movie, you WOULD have. You will just have to trust me on this one.
Soundtrack
RH: A bunch of blues songs covered by (mostly) Jeff Healey, plus a couple of tracks by 'The Swayz'.
CT: Oh God! Make it stop! Phew.. Okay, with a recurring Jimmy Cliff 'love-theme', a Beach Boys redux, and a list of artists both classic and unknown this soundtrack won numerous awards.
WTS: Hmmm. Tom Waits, "16 Shells From a Thirty Aught Six" and "Cold Water"; Talking Heads, "Slippery People" and "Swamp"; NEU!, "Hallogallo", Electric Six, "Future is in the Future"; Steely Dan, "Show Biz Kids" and "King of the World"; Cameo, "Candy"; The Clash, "Mustapha Dance"; Rick James, "Give it to me Baby"; just of the top of my head.
Edge? Me
Of course I am going to pick a soundtrack I put together to accompany my adventures over some tired, dated music from that culturally bankrupt period before the nineties.
And Finally, Cultural Impact
RH: Bouncers with Philosophy degrees
CT: Douchey bartenders who think they are poets and jugglers
WTS: Not sure yet
Edge? Me
First.. Do No Harm. I win, they tie for second. Of course someone may want to retally this after I get famous.
Added on 12/4
Last night I was visited by the ghost of Patrick Swayze, who reads this blog on the regs and was very disappointed in my arbitrary result. After a long night of shirtless pottery making, while listening to the Righteous Brothers, he convinced me that ties were unAmerican. He pointed out that the quote from Cocktail was the best, while mine was nearly unquotable. I agreed, and changed it as you may have noticed. This gave him the win. He also pointed out that I had neglected to mention villains. duh. So here we go..
Villains
RH: Brad Wesley, a local town rich guy that has people murdered and drives monster trucks over car dealerships. He also has henchmen, mostly bumbling of course.
CT: I don't know if there is one. Nothing bad really happens to him. Lame
WTS: WTS
Edge? Roadhouse
In my defense, at least Dalton could kill his villain. I'm stuck with the SOB my whole life.
Fight Scene
RH: At least a third of the movie. Roundhouse kicks and all.
CT: Tom Cruise punches three guys.
WTS: Most of my early twenties, I'll tell you about it sometime. Only a couple of roundhouse kicks, though. One beer bottle to the head.
Edge? Roadhouse
You, win. Swayze.
There you have it, people. The universe has been set right. Roadhouse wins by, I don't know.. 12. Well, it's ending badly for Cocktail. But it always ends badly, or else it would never end. What's that, Swayze? Did you just say.. "ditto"???
