| Welcome! |
Welcome, Mr S, to Bunker 14. I am your electronic host, butler, concierge and taxi 1011101010011101010011110111111011011011101, but feel free to call me whatever you like. Please forgive the exterior, we simply cannot have everyone know what is going on here and the ‘rundown trailer-park’ with the ‘blood-thirsty cannibals’ facade keeps most prying eyes away. You have worked too hard to get to this station in life to have the hoi polloi simply banging down the door, so to speak. Being your first time here, it is my duty and honor to give you a tour and explain our amenities. Some of the members here like to refer to this place as “Pleasure Island”; I believe it is in reference to the movie Pinocchio from the mid-twentieth century. I appreciate the irony of calling a bunker an island, although in some ways it is an island, is it not? My irony chip is a ‘Junk’ model and since, as I’m sure you are aware, the devices are even named ironically, that means it is an excellent one. Your jokes and sarcasm and illogical monikers will be fully understood by this unit, should you choose to communicate in that way. Please, have a seat in my plush interior.
Have you brought your lovely wife to the bunker today? Haha. I told you I had a sense of humor. If you do desire companionship of the female (or male) variety, it is offered for a reasonable fee, with services available a la carte and billed discreetly to your membership. Just be careful where you leave your bill or someone might ask about your kayak expeditions and Tai Chi lessons. If you desire kayak expeditions or Tai Chi lessons those are available as well, but will be billed as prostitution. Haha. I am ‘joshing’ you. Are you enjoying my colloquialisms yet? No? Get to the steaks already? I see someone had ‘loose lips’; happens all the time. Haha. Confidentiality means little when it comes to expertly charred bovine flesh these days. Follow me down this lovely mirrored hallway, it is modelled after the one at Versailles. I mean of course the one that used to be at Versailles. It is a shame what happened to Paris, non? I am certain you noticed the checkerboard marble floors, our builders spared no expense.
Straight ahead to the forum, just to the right of the Trevi Fountain replica, (this place is deceptively large is it not?) you will find our steak house. It is one of only 20 left in the world. How, you may ask, do we get our steak in these troubling times when cannibal kings still control Florida, and even some civilized places? Just listen to our founder, Jim McClintock explain. Please direct your attention to the holograph.
Howdy, I’m Big Jim McClintock. 2032 was a tough year, maybe the worst year ever. Those vegan terrorists finally did it, set off their ‘Final Solution’ biological weapon to end the ‘suffering’ of domestic animals. Now, I’m no scientist, but all of sudden it seemed like a highly contagious zoonotic pathogen targeted the respiratory system of every bovine, porcine, canine, equine and other domestic species on Earth. Well, as you know, most people would rather eat any ol’ critter than go vegan, what with all that soy and kale.. it’s not American! I don’t need to remind you what happened after we hunted and fished what was left! Relax, partner. We are selling you the real McCoy. While all the plebs out there can dine on gluten-free macrobiotic vegan mac and cheese or leg of Steve, you can have a porterhouse. My partners and I, all over the world, rounded-up the few scattered surviving steer from all over the globe with the disease resistant Xa14 gene and secured a breeding population on one of our secluded ranches in West Texas. Not a few ‘eggs’ were broke to make that ‘omelet’ I’ll tell ya’. Thank goodness for our guard drones and their disregard for human life. Well, Ol’ Jim has taken too much of your time already. Enjoy!
Charming, no? He’s from Connecticut. If you are feeling nostalgic, you can eat at our replica McDonalds. It is one of only six in existence. We have replicated everything from the late twentieth century menus, including the pre-2018 buns that still contained gluten! A ‘Number Three”, medium, is only $15,000! The only thing our scientists were not able to replicate was the McRib, but experiments are underway using pork from Florida. Early tests are promising. Not hungry anymore? Perhaps you would like to have a Twinkie? Of course you do not want eat one! That would be like eating a da Vinci, and probably just as tasty. We have one of the only five left in the world, that we know of. And boy have we looked! Haha. If you would like to see it, you need only visit our full-sized replica of the Louvre, located in the middle of the Bunker 14 complex. Feel free to keep your collection there, it will be safer there than anywhere else; our nineteen other bunker facilities aside, of course. Besides, anyone you would like to impress with it will certainly be here on a regular basis. Follow me into this transport unit, please.
Welcome to your executive suite. All we have are executive suites; that you know of at least. Haha. Per your specifications, your patio has a holographic image of Maui, but turn it off to see our indoor ski slope and the 18 hole golf course. Our go-cart track is a full-sized replica of the “Mushroom City” level from Mario Kart, 1990’s pop-culture being all the rage with your set. Would you like to relax with a Cuban cigar? We have some of the last ones produced before the Mormon invasion; a mere $289,000. Perhaps you like to unwind with a little marijuana? Haha, of course not. The cocaine dispenser is located in your bathroom, between the Viagra dispenser and the automated defibrillator-bot. This is where I must leave you, but feel free to use this device to summon my help at your tiniest whim. You worked hard to get here, enjoy yourself. I am leaving, there is no need to be rude..
