Not if You Were the Last Man on Earth

Now what?

Welcome to my new blog! As you know, the Mayans ended up being right about that whole "2012 Doomsday Prophecy" thing all of those kooks were going on about. What a week that was! (and right after my birthday, too) As you also know, you are the last man on Earth. Big responsibility, I know, but you are up to the task. This is a blog to help you (me) along.. I'll be covering such topics as; how to survive, travel, personal grooming, what to do when the apex predators come back for real, literature, and cooking for one.

I would also like to extend warm greeting to the extraterrestrials who will find this world someday. I assume that you will want to know everything that happened on this orb before the.. ahem.. unpleasantness. If you are reading this, I assume you found my gigantic cypher key where I took most of the words in the English language and put a magazine clipping with a descriptive picture next to each one (sorry if I went a little overboard on 'sex'). I hope that my burning houses nearby to create the binary representation of the first seven digits of 'pi' helped lead you to it, because that was really dangerous.  From there you should be able to decode most other Earth languages, because I would hate to see all of our culture and learning and "The Simpsons" lost forever. Don't worry if you can't figure out why some people were famous.. we couldn't either. Also, I hope you enjoyed the statue I build of myself in recognition of this tremedous feat. I also wrote under the names Shakespeare, Dickens, and Beverly Cleary. Enjoy!

Well, back to the lecture at hand. Good news first, the internet is still working. Lucky thing it was invented by the CIA to topple Islamic nations with facebook and is therefore very resiliant. Even as you power this computer with a gas generator (take that, dead hippies!) you can still Youtube 'Drinking out of Cups' at will. That's not all the good news, not by a long shot. You can finally live out your dream of circling the bases at Fenway Park naked, although it's a bit overgrown.. hell, it looks like Angkor Wat.. and it's falling apart. I mean more than it was already. Beer taps are gas powered, and therefore are still working. Whiskey is plentiful! Gasoline is pretty easy to find, although navigating most roads is tricky, what with all the stalled cars and inside-out bodies. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that.. a fog that turned everyone inside-out, that was how it happened. Luckily, you were immune.. unluckily, the people in your red line car at the time weren't (gross).

Valentine's Day is coming up, so be sure to buy that someone special but who cares! You're the last man on Earth; and I don't mean that there are a ton of women and you're the last man on Earth and they're all fighting over you or going lesbian. Sorry, buddy, you're the last person on Earth, but at least you're not inside-out. Luckily you're a man and therefore are no lonelier on that day than on any other. That, however, doesn't mean you don't need companionship, and TV is no longer on the air. Hey, here's an idea! Adopt one of those packs of feral dogs you've seen rooting through the trash and tearing apart small animals. You can name them after glam rockers or something. "There's a good Johnny Thunders.. you want a treat, T-Rex? Bowie, stop humping T-Rex!" You don't need TV when you've got T-Rex! You're a dude, now!

Speaking of TV, remember all of those fantastic vacation homes worth millions that you saw on television? They are all yours! Just find your way South through the overgrown rainforests and deserts to Puerta Vallarta or Cozumel and live the life of caviar and champagne! You always wanted to visit Japan, right? Well, sorry, that's right out. There's no way you have the nautical skills for solo trans-Pacific navigation, or trans-Atlantic for that matter, so unless your new extraterrestrial friends have a spare craft (please?) you're more or less America bound. The greatest former country on Earth! Where you can now actually drive around without a seatbelt, drink in public, walk around pantsless and smoke wherever you want (you would have to start smoking to fully appreciate that benefit).

Remember when you were in college and had to eat ramen noodles everyday? Good news, you get to do that again! Well, there are some other options of course and as long as the supply of Huy Fong Sri Racha holds out they will all taste great! Too bad all of the butter has spoiled, so no mac and chee, unless you learn how to churn (haha it rhymes). Time to use that noodle (haha again!) and come up with some interesting options for making this world a home. Until next time, W.T.S., signing out.